Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thursday Think Tank: Calling All Minions

Dear Minion to Be,
I created my writing schedule for 2012. Read it over, and realized I am certifiable. There is no way a sane person would create something that requires them to work for 26hours every day.

Welll, not unless they lived, say, on a planet were the days were 50 or 60 hours long and their bodies had developed on that longer circadian rhythm. Cause then that would be like having a part time job, right?

Oh, hold on dammit. I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Shit,shit,shit,shit. What do I do now? I've already lost you, my beloved and unknown minion, haven't I? Oh dear. I don't think I can meet my schedule without your assistance. Er, not without losing my everloving freaking mind. Wait though, I know of a way to fix this. I'm a writer for fuck's sake. I can use my handy self editing skills and fix this mess...you know, I can start over.

*Ahem*

Dear Minion Who Has Not Yet Sworn Fealty to the Awesome Sauce covered One of a Kind Author that is Me,
I need you. Badly. I have a zillion and one crazy assed character kicking my ass and dragging me out of my peaceful slumbers night after night, and I'm forgetting to handle the rest of my life. Er, my professional life that is. Soooo...I need a minion.

Someone who will work for free books, and will do shit like check for reviews of my work, and check for pirate sites and then send take-down letters, and be my all around gal or guy Friday. I know it sounds like a lotta work for very little, but bear with me. If you play your pickles right this could turn into a paying more than free books gig.

Fuck-wits, meanie-butts, time-wasters, and general jerk-a-sauruses need not apply.

All others, leave a statement addressing your many amazing qualities that should make me consider you for this stellar offer to perform a fuck-ton of grunt level schlepping in my name with very little initial recompense but the elusive promise of as yet uncompleted works of fiction you may or may not like and the joy of a job well done. Make sure in my comment section right here on the site, you also leave your email addy, and we can get down to business.  If you don't leave your email addy, either you KNOW I already have it, or you are clearly one of the above and forementioned and fucking well annoying time-wasters, and can expect no response.

Well, maybe I will deign to point and laugh.
Publicly.
Over and over.

*grin*

Any serious applicant for this hideous position can be assured they will be taken seriously and deluged with work and gratitude.

Sincerely,
One Crazy Ass Author with a Fuck-Ton of Writing to do and Not enough time for all the Other Shit,
Cherie Noel

15 comments:

  1. Do I really need to point out my Amazing Excellence to you?

    Plus, when I can get my shit together, I make AWESOME brownies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear Miz Kitn,
      Is this a serious application? Cause *you* would make a stellar minion...

      Delete
    2. I would be willing to enter into negotiations, yes! Although I do have to warn you (Full Disclosure Time!) that at the moment things are... iffy. I'm still sharing a 'puter with my DH. As soon as we get the tax refund, I'm getting mine fixed (but Army W2s don't come out for at least another week.) & if DH has to go to NTC in Feb I may be briefly computer-less. But after that, I will have working computer + MSOffice. And come April, when he deploys...*sigh* I will have TONS of time.

      Delete
    3. Rubbing hand together in glee...I will see you in your inbox sometime after 3pm...things won't get really crazy until June anyway...and...yes *pumps fist in air* there is definitely a whole lotta awesome in your sauce, bay-bee...

      Delete
    4. That was supposed to read: Rubbing hands (note added 's') in glee...

      Delete
    5. LOL -- I'll be waiting! (eeep! 3? that's when it all goes to hell around here -- the boys get home, & if I haven't already done dishes & started dinner, I have to do that in between being mean about homework... but ok!)

      Delete
  2. So I take it no one explained to you either that this writing gig involved a heck of a lot more than just writing? No? Yeah, you aren't alone. If you have more than one great applicant, send them my way.

    :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poppy...they put it in the fine print...

      Delete
  3. I am the Vic and I approve this blog post.

    *stamp of approval*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *tearing up* I'd like to thank my muse for inspiring me to write, and you know, all the little people...and OH My GOD...I can't belive it! *Bursts into tears* A VIC STAMP OF APPROVAL! *gulps* I have worked so hard to deserve one of these. Thank you, thank you...and to those who are still just dreaming of receiving a Vic Approval...keep trying...keep dreaming...you can do it.

      Delete
  4. ROFLMAO!!!!!

    *shakes head at Cherie's silliness*

    I don't just give out my stamps of approvals all willy nilly *sees a hot guy and goes to give him the stamp of approval*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Where do I sign up for those drama lessons, Cherie?! I wanna be able to impress the kids when I get a VelcroBoy Seal of Approval for dinner (they are rare -- he doesn't like onions or, really, anything that tastes good...)

    ReplyDelete
  6. They are part of the minion benefit package.

    ReplyDelete

What's your take?