Dear Minion to Be,
I created my writing schedule for 2012. Read it over, and realized I am certifiable. There is no way a sane person would create something that requires them to work for 26hours every day.
Welll, not unless they lived, say, on a planet were the days were 50 or 60 hours long and their bodies had developed on that longer circadian rhythm. Cause then that would be like having a part time job, right?
Oh, hold on dammit. I'm digressing again, aren't I?
Shit,shit,shit,shit. What do I do now? I've already lost you, my beloved and unknown minion, haven't I? Oh dear. I don't think I can meet my schedule without your assistance. Er, not without losing my everloving freaking mind. Wait though, I know of a way to fix this. I'm a writer for fuck's sake. I can use my handy self editing skills and fix this mess...you know, I can start over.
Dear Minion Who Has Not Yet Sworn Fealty to the Awesome Sauce covered One of a Kind Author that is Me,
I need you. Badly. I have a zillion and one crazy assed character kicking my ass and dragging me out of my peaceful slumbers night after night, and I'm forgetting to handle the rest of my life. Er, my professional life that is. Soooo...I need a minion.
Someone who will work for free books, and will do shit like check for reviews of my work, and check for pirate sites and then send take-down letters, and be my all around gal or guy Friday. I know it sounds like a lotta work for very little, but bear with me. If you play your pickles right this could turn into a paying more than free books gig.
Fuck-wits, meanie-butts, time-wasters, and general jerk-a-sauruses need not apply.
All others, leave a statement addressing your many amazing qualities that should make me consider you for this stellar offer to perform a fuck-ton of grunt level schlepping in my name with very little initial recompense but the elusive promise of as yet uncompleted works of fiction you may or may not like and the joy of a job well done. Make sure in my comment section right here on the site, you also leave your email addy, and we can get down to business. If you don't leave your email addy, either you KNOW I already have it, or you are clearly one of the above and forementioned and fucking well annoying time-wasters, and can expect no response.
Well, maybe I will deign to point and laugh.
Over and over.
Any serious applicant for this hideous position can be assured they will be taken seriously and deluged with work and gratitude.
One Crazy Ass Author with a Fuck-Ton of Writing to do and Not enough time for all the Other Shit,